Open Letter to George Lucas

Dear George Lucas,

Since I am subjected to your movies via both husband and children avenues, and since our satellite HBO seems to play little else, I would like to point out the following in the six movie saga you've pieced together over the past twenty years which I've had the opportunity to watch a total of at least a dozen times in the past month. I'm not sure why we keep watching them, except it's like a train wreck...

I don't know what you were smoking between the first three and the last three Star Wars movies, but dude, you really need to stop. I hope someone stages an intervention or something. The series is over, right? There are no more episodes left to make? Thank god!

The added scenes in episodes 1, 2, & 3 (which, I guess, are technically 4, 5, and 6... could you make this any more confusing, I wonder?) are just stupid. Please stop trying so hard. You will never, ever make up for the Ewoks' zippers showing on their furry little suits in Empire. Never. Get over it.

Jar Jar Binks is the single worst, most annoying character ever created in the history of movies. No, that isn't just my opinion, either. I never thought you could top Yoda. And yet... you did. Wow. Are you proud?

Speaking of casting. There couldn't have been a better choice than Harrison Ford as Han Solo - or a worse choice than that obnoxious, wooden little kid who played the young Anakin. What happened between episode 3 and 4? Er, I mean - 6 and 1? Did someone hit you really hard with a bad judgment stick or something? I mean, Ewan McGregor is a great actor. But he is NOT a young Ben Kenobi. Every single casting choice in the last - uh, first - episodes just sucked - except for the Emperor. He was perfect. I bet someone else besides you picked him, didn't they? Don't lie, George!

The coolest special effect in all six movies was the light saber. You should have stopped while you were ahead. And you totally sold out with the concept of "midiclorians." Admit it. You just totally sold out.

Did you watch Jurassic Park, George? Did you listen, did you learn? When it comes to all the new CGI special effects: "You were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, you didn't stop to think if you should!"

And by the way, if you ever even THINK about writing another script for a movie, hire someone else to write your dialogue. You are to Quentin Tarantino writing dialogue as FloJo is to Louie Anderson running a sprint.

Our "free HBO" runs out this month - thank God! I will no longer be subject to the disaster that is the last - er, first - episodes of this highly overrated series. At least, unless someone digs out the DVDs. Let's see... where can I hide them? There is one thing I can thank you for, George. Thank you for marketing these as an easy-to-hide three pack!

Thank you, too, for making the first three (er... the last three... I mean... oh, hell: Star Wars, Empire & Jedi!) They were really cool at the time. Way to go. You should have definitely quit while you were ahead. I really do wish you well. I hope you live long and prosper - may the Force be with you, and all that. Just please... stay away from making any more films. Have you tried needlepoint? Something to do with your hands, to keep you busy? Please... try... something - anything - else!

Best Scary Halloween Movies

We've been loading up on scary movies to watch this month. I love this time of year! Since it's nearing Halloween, I thought I'd share some of our mainstays.

Like "It's a Wonderful Life" around Christmas, there are certain movies that simply have to be watched around Halloween. Here's our "must-see" list for after the kiddos go to bed:

10. Night Breed

Clive Barker - 2nd only to Stephen King when it comes to horror. This one is graphic and gory, but a totally original story, and fantastic makeup.

9. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The original. I still scream through this one, no matter how many times I've seen it. Scary. Really creepy.

8. Carrie

Stephen King - his very first. Poignant, powerful, and truly horrific. You just have to get past the 70's thing. Which, really, is sort of charming. John Travolta with feathered hair. Remember?

7. Hellraiser

Cliver Barker again. The one that make him famous. With Pinhead. Fantastically original story. Really gruesome.

6. Candyman

More Clive Barker. This one creeps me out for WEEKS afterward.

5. A Nightmare on Elm Street

Wes Craven - an original. Will make you nervous about sleeping for a long time.

4. Night of the Living Dead

Must be the original. Black and white version. Amazing social commentary in the midst of all the horror.

3. Jeepers Creepers

Newer addition to the list, but WOW. Sometimes campy, but mostly creepy.

2. The Exorcist

Classic scary. Poor Linda Blair!

1. Nosferatu

Get ready for subtitles. But you HAVE to watch this one. No creepier monster has ever been made.

* * * * *

And here's a list of Halloween movies to watch with the whole family this time of year!

10. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

It's as funny as you remember it. I promise!

9. Halloweentown

This is well done!

8. The Nightmare Before Christmas

Tim Burton magic!

7. Hocus Pocus

Totally fun story, and the witches are a riot.

6. It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Classic. Must watch.

5. Corpse Bride

Tim Burton again. Not as good as Nightmare, but still good.

4. The Halloween Tree

A Ray Bradbury story. LOVE this one.

3. The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

Don Knots. This is soooo funny.

2. The Witches

Based on a Roald Dahl story. Really well done!

1. Monster House

Very new addition, but a fanastic story, and actually really scary in places!

Every Little Princess

Zoe and I spent the morning curled up after breakfast, snuggled under down comforters, watching A Little Princess. (It's rather cold in here, and we haven't braved turning on the heat yet...) Michael and "the boys" (Blake and Dmitri) went out to cut more wood. Testosterone and chainsaws. Estrogen and tearjerker movies. Go figure?

Frances Hodgson Burnett's Little Princess was one of my favorite books when I was young (along with The Secret Garden) and while I enjoyed the sugar-coated and rather unrealistic Shirley Temple version, it didn't much follow the actual story. When my friend Kyrai did a film discussion on a newer adaptation of A Little Princess for her women's group, I was thrilled to find such a well-done portrayal!

It's now on our "girl list," the things Zoe and I watch together while Daddy and the boys are off doing their thing, which include movies like Sarah Plain and Tall, Little Women, Flyaway Home, Anne of Green Gables, My Fair Lady, Pollyanna, The Parent Trap, Sound of Music and National Velvet. They're like chick-flix-in-training. It makes for a perfect fall weekend morning, me and my daughter on the bed with the doggies keeping our feet warm and a heartwarming, tearjerking movie on the television.

My favorite part of this particular movie comes when Miss Minchin confronts little Sara Crewe about "telling stories" to the other girls. This is after Sara's father has been reported dead in the war and she's lost everything and has been relegated to servant status and is living in the attic of the girls' school.

Miss Minchin: "It's time you learn that real life has nothing to do with your little fantasy games. It's a cruel , nasty world out there and it's our duty to make the best of it--not to indulge in ridiculous dreams, but to be productive and useful. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Sara: "Yes, ma'am."

Miss Minchin: "Good!"

Sara: "But I don't believe in it."

Miss Minchin: "Don't tell me you still fancy yourself a princess? Good God, child, look around you! Or better yet, look in a mirror."

Sara: "I am a princess. All girls are. Even if they live in tiny old attics, even if they dress in rags. Even if they're not pretty, or smart, or young. They're still princesses. All of us. Didn't your father ever tell you that? Didn't he?"

This morning, Zoe took her thumb out of her mouth (she still sucks her thumb at home, when she's sleepy or when she's watching TV) looked up at me and asked, "How come Miss Minchin's daddy didn't tell her that all girls are princesses?"

Why, indeed?

"I don't know, sweetie."

"Didn't her daddy like her?"

"I don't know."

"I wish she had a good daddy like mine."

I was wishing Michael could hear her. "Me, too."

"She'd feel better."

"I think so."

"Every girl should have a daddy who tells her she's a princess."

"Yes, they should."

See why I love these movies?