Super Remote!

It's a bird...

It's a plane...

No...

It's Super Remote!

It just told me - right on my TV screen:

"Remote Battery Is Low."

Niiiiiiiiice!

What will they think of next!?

Toilet Zone

I TiVo'd a bunch of Twilight Zone episodes on the New Year's Day marathon and we've been watching them a few episodes at a time after dinner. Michael loves them - and I honestly haven't watched that many of them. I just saw the infamous "To Serve Man" for the first time.

Nothing like nine foot alien man-eaters!

"It's a cookbook!"

Hey, I just learned last year what "Soylent Green is people!" meant!

We were watching the episode, "Two," a sweet Twilight Zone love story where Charles Bronson and Elizabeth Mongomery are the last two survivors of a nuclear war - and just happen to be on opposing sides. Of course.

Michael thinks Montgomery's hot in her army uniform.

And she even cleans up fairly well...

I didn't think Bronson was too bad, myself. Who knew?

Dmitri came in while we were watching and rolled his eyes. "Not again!"

"What?"

"You guys watch this every day!"

"So? You watch cartoons every day."

"Yeah, but that's different."

"How come?"

"Because it's not the Toilet Zone!"

I guess he has a point...

:D

Thursday Thirteen #17: 13 MORE Worst Family Feud Answers EVER

13 MORE Worst Family Feud Answers EVER

1) Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.

#1 Answer: Relatives

Worst Answer: Mold


2) Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.

#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre

Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.



3) Question: Name something you'd buy for more than a thousand dollars.

#1 Answer: House
Worst Answer: Pleasure equipment

Louie Anderson's Response: I'm afraid to ask what that means.


4) Question: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.

#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down



5) Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.

#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condom



6) Question: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours at a time.

#1 Answer: Video games
Worst Answer: Masturbate

Louie Anderson's Response: I knew somebody would say it.



7) Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the US.

#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere



8) Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.

#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answers: She doesn't love him that much



9) Question: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.

#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out

Louie Anderson's Response: With somebody else?


10) Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.

#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address

Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there?


11) Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.

#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar

Louie Anderson's Response: It's terrifying.



12) Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.

#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice

Louie Anderson's Response: Where did you learn to play Scrabble?


13) Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.

#1 Answer: 30 Worst
Answer: 14



BONUS Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.


#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer

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Thursday Thirteen Participants

1. The Pink Flamingo 2. The Pink Flamingo 3. Carol

4. Joan 5. nicholas 6. pussreboots

7. Robin 8. bellamocha

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Thursday Thirteen #16: 13 Worst Family Feud Answers EVER

13 of the Worst Family Feud Answers EVER

These are REAL answers given on Family Feud.

1) Question: Name a former President that most people would say is honest.


#1 Answer: Lincoln

Worst Answer: Nixon



2) Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.

#1 Answer: San Diego

Worst Answer: Seattle


3) Question: Name a slang term used for important people.

#1 Answer: V.I.P.

Worst Answer: Buddy


4) Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.

#1 Answer: Photos

Worst Answer: Corn



5) Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.

#1 Answer: Bugs

Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time



6) Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.

#1 Answer: Anniversary

Worst Answer: Happy divorce



7) Question: Name a term used in football.

#1 Answer: Touchdown

Worst Answer: Fastbreak



8) Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.

#1 Answer: Non-smoking

Worst Answer: A menu



9) Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.

#1 Answer: The police

Worst Answer: Your son



10) Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.

#1 Answer: Mozart

Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias



11) Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.

#1 Answer: Water

Worst Answer: Alcohol



12) Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.

#1 Answer: Pimple

Worst Answers: Lint



13) Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.

#1 Answer: High heels

Worst Answer: Scuba flippers

Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be surprised.


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Thursday Thirteen Participants

1. SandyCarlson 2. SusieJ dream come true 3. ellen b 4. SJ Reidhead

5. Nicholas 6. greatfullivin 7. Lazy Daisy 8. shesawriter

9. damozel 10. marcia v 11. pussreboots 12. Linda

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Favorite PBBBBBBBTTTTTTTT!

Nothing will make me ill this time of year more than watching Oprah's Favorite Things.

I missed it this year. Oh darn. Not!

But yesterday, I had a headache and was too tired to find the remote to change the channel when Oprah came on. And guess what? Of course. It was an "encore presentation" of the Favorite Things show.

Just great.

I hate that she's completely perverted one of the songs I always sang to my babies when they were little.

My Favorite Things: Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...

So much for sentiment.

Now it's all about the stuff. Camcorders and watches and a bunch of other crap no one ever needed in the first place. A three thousand dollar refrigerator with a TV/DVD on the front? Really? We need this? A $7 cupcake? What?!

Here's a list of Oprah's Favorites this year:

SAMSUNG PROGRESSIVE HD CAMCORDER SC-HMX10C - $799.99
UGG® AUSTRALIA CLASSIC CROCHET TALL BOOT - $120
TOYWATCH WATCHES - $150
PERFECT ENDINGS CUPCAKES FROM WILLIAMS-SONOMA - $59 (set of 9)
MELAMINE BOWLS, MEASURING CUPS AND SPOONS FROM WILLIAMS-SONOMA - Bowls $32 (set of 3); Measuring Cups and Spoons Set $18 (cups $14, spoons $8)
THE ARTISAN® STAND MIXER FROM KITCHENAID HOME APPLIANCES - $349.99
THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL'S PLANET EARTH DVD SET - $59.95
KAI BODY BUTTER and BODY BUFFER - Body Buffer $28; Body Butter $55
CLARISONIC SKIN CARE SYSTEM - $195/system
CLAUS PORTO SOAPS FROM LAFCO NEW YORK - $42 (set of 3)
THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH BY KEN FOLLETT - $24.95 (autographed)
BREVILLE IKON PANINI PRESS FROM WILLIAMS-SONOMA - $99.95
HDTV REFRIGERATOR WITH WEATHER AND INFO CENTER FROM LG ELECTRONICS - $3,799
CIAO BELLA BLOOD ORANGE SORBETTO - $4.99/pint at select grocery stores
RACHEL PALLY SWING TURTLENECK AND SAILOR PANTS - Swing Turtleneck $141; Sailor Pants $194
SCRABBLE PREMIER EDITION FROM HASBRO - $70
UNITED ARTISTS 90TH ANNIVERSARY PRESTIGE COLLECTION - $869.98
SHAKLEE GET CLEAN™ STARTER KIT - $89.60
O'S GUIDE TO LIFE - $29.95
JOSH GROBAN'S NOEL CD - $19.99

TOTAL: $7274.34

That's PER audience member, of course. How many people in the audience? Oh I don't know... let's go low and say two hundred people. That's a total of 1,454,800.00 worth of STUFF. Correct. Almost 1.5 MILLION DOLLARS worth of stuff. And remember - that's a low estimate.

Of course, Harpo is getting a tax write-off for giving it away. And much of it is probably donated in the first place, because to get on Orpah's "Favorite Things" list is practically a guarantee of a huge sales increase after the show airs. Yep, it's true. People line up in malls across the country to buy overpriced gizmos that no one really needs based on the opinion of one overpaid guru talk show host.

And now there are shows everywhere playing follow the leader and doing what Oprah does. Ellen, for example, is doing the 12 Days of Giveaways - giving away, of course, her favorite things.

What really drives me batty is the audience reaction to these giveaways. People act like they're being given a new lease on life, like god Oprah's just granted them immortality or they just got a midnight call from the governor on death row. Women actually get on their knees and pray - over what, again? Body butter and digital camcorders?

Those are some seriously messed up priorities right there.

Not to go all Grinch or anything... well, okay, maybe just a little.

We just watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night. The Grinch steals all the Who's STUFF, and yet Christmas still comes, doesn't it? They still gather in a circle and sing and count their blessings. And the Grinch... his heart grew three sizes that day.

Maybe we all could use a little more inner-Grinch - the former Grinch, who eschewed the commercialism of the holiday, and the latter reformed Grinch, who realized something deeper existed beyond all the STUFF.

Somehow I don't think all those folks on their knees thanking god Oprah for their new Kitchenaid mixers would be squealing over her donating all of the money those gifts represent to, perhaps, a women's shelter or the homeless or a children's hospital - to someone who knew how to count their blessings and was thankful just to be alive this holiday season?

I wonder.... does the O's Guide to Life include tips on how to be the richest woman in the world and make yourself look selfless by giving out a bunch of stuff you get a tax write off for?

So bah-freakin'-humbug. Oprah's Favorite PBBBBBBBBBBT! Whatever. Let's all take a lesson from the Grinch. Strip away all the stuff and find out what's underneath. Because that's the only thing that really matters, during the holidays or any other time of year.

Thursday Thirteen #13: 13 of My Favorite TV Dads

13 of My Favorite Sitcom Dads

1. Jason Seaver – Alan Thicke - Growing Pains

2. Ward Cleaver – Hugh Beaumont - Leave it to Beaver



3. Charles Ingalls - Michael Landon – Little House on the Prairie





4. Gomez Addams – John Astin - Addams Family

5. Steven Keaton – Michael Gross - Family Ties



6. Tony Micelli -Tony Danza - Who’s The Boss



7. Charles - Scott Baio – Charles in Charge

(ok so he wasn't a dad--yet--but you knew he would be a great dad some day!)

8. Howard Cunningham - Tom Bosley – Happy Days


9. Dan Connor - John Goodman - Roseanne



10. Mike Brady – Robert Reed - The Brady Bunch




11 Cliff Huxtable - Bill Cosby - The Cosby Show


12. Tom Bradford - Dick Van Patten - Eight is Enough




13. Uncle Bill - Brian Keith - Family Affair



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1. ellen b 2. Comedy Plus 3. jenn 4. Nicholas 5. shesawriter

6. Natalie 7. The Pink Flamingo 8. PD 9. Grace 10. damozel

11. Harris Channing 12. Holly 13. Susan Helene Gottfried 14. Tiffany Aller

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Man Vs Mild

Anybody out there watch this show?

Michael's hooked on it. Well, as much as he can get hooked on anything that involves the television. This guy, with the unlikely name of Bear Grylls, formerly in the British Special Air Services, gets airlifted into the wild with very few tools - let's say, a flint and a water bottle - and he's filmed "surviving" in these inhospitable environments with no outside assistance.

Supposedly.

He's been all over, from the Florida Everglades to Iceland to the Ecuadorean jungle. He does a dramatic voiceover on every show about how to find water, make fire, and acquire food under all sorts of conditions.

Guys love him because he's like the McGyver of the Wild. Women everywhere apparently go crazy for this guy - they think he's all sorts of sexy, with that British accent and all those "he could rescue me" vibes.

Frankly, I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere near the man.

Just tonight, he was out in the arctic (or somewhere, anyway, with lots of ice and snow - I was trying not to pay a lot of attention) and he exclaimed: "This is such an inhospitable environment, nothing grows or lives here, so there's really nothing you can find to eat."

I cheered his impending starvation. "Thank GOD!"

I've been subjected to this man eating everything from spiders to beetles to raw goat testicles. I've had to see him drink out of "fresh" water pools with loads (literally) of animal dung in it ("Tastes like drinking out of a loo bowl," he says, and then leans in for more!) He's smeared himself with animal feces while laying animal traps and has pissed a circle around his "kill." (And proudly informed the ladies that it only works for men - we don't have enough testosterone in our urine, apparently. Dude, if I was in a situation where I had to pee in a circle around my food, it'd be time for me to go meet my maker, k?)

Of course, then he found the ONE insect that lives there. (How long did they scout for THAT sucker, I wonder?) Thankfully, it's so rare it's a protected species, and he decided to spare its life and not eat it. So I didn't have to watch legs wriggling around outside his lips and hear his description of how "squishy and awful" it tasted.

Bored with the television, I decided to surf the 'net and came across this article. Apparently, Mr. Macho Survival Guy spent a few nights in a motel instead of out on the tundra where he led viewers believe he was shivering in his tent all night. Oh reallllly!? *perk* Mr. "I've endured snow and ice, wind and sun"... Uh huh. After a warm night in bed and a bit of the telly, eh?

And men say we women like to watch dramas? Ha!

Thursday Thirteen #12: 13 TV Mysteries

13 TELEVISION MYSTERIES

1. If the Professor could make a radio from a coconut, why couldn’t he make a boat?
2. Why was there no racial tension on that Gary Coleman Diff’rent Strokes show?
3. How did the Fonz pay rent?
4. Why did Timmy fall all the time—just so Lassie could save him?
5. Did Jack ever sleep with Janet or Chrissy?
6. Where did Ginger get all her clothes?
7. Did the old Darren from Bewitched and the old Becky from Rosanne get shunted into another dimension?
8. How did Jeannie fit in that little bottle?
9. Did the L on all her blouses really stand for Laverne?
10. What did Doogie Howser do with all his money?
11. What happened to the cat from the Brady Bunch? Did Tiger eat it?
12. Was Shaggy’s love for food really just the “munchies?”
13. Why didn’t Jo from Facts of Life ever realize she was really secretly in love with Blair?

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Shameful Secret

I have a shameful secret.

When my friend, Deanna, admitted to me that she was watching American Idol, she swore me to complete and total secrecy. Then, that same year when our favorite, Bo Bice, didn't win first place, we both decided to get tickets to go to the American Idol concert. We had the best time, screaming like thirteen year old girls. It was a total blast.

The thing is, I was never ashamed of watching American Idol. Am I supposed to be? *shrug* It's pop culture, sure, but it's just a bit of harmless fluff. What's wrong with a little brain candy once in a while?

But now, I'm watching something that I really hate to admit. I'm not even sure why I watch it, what the appeal really is. Michael is totally appalled at my interest in the show and I have to TiVo it and watch it when he's not home. I even hide the title of the recordings, so he won't know I tape them.

I never understood Deanna's shame about watching American Idol. What was the big deal? But now I get it. I have my own shameful secret show now that I can't seem to break the habit of. Just thinking about telling people I watch it makes me break out in a cold sweat.

And of course, if I said it out loud, you'd probably laugh and say, "That show? That's it? Come on!" Shame is like that, isn't it? We feel it so much bigger than others do. Usually quite unnecessarily so. Our own demons always feel bigger than anyone else's.

So it's three in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. So what do I do? Turn the TV on and find the latest episode of my shameful secret show to watch. I feel like a kid sneaking downstairs to watch Cinemax in the middle of the night, the remote close by, ready to switch channels in case Michael wakes up.

So silly.

I guess we all have our shameful secrets.

(What? You really thought I was going to tell you!? Bwahahahahaha!)

Could it Bee Any Worse?

There are a lot of folks out here in the country who keep bees. They jar and sell the honey and also have the added benefit of local bees to pollinate their gardens. I've actually thought about doing it myself. As insects go, I think bees are one of the coolest.

But now the bees are disappearing. Not just a few bees, but hundreds of thousands of them. A woman I was talking to last week mentioned that half her hive was gone. The bees just mysteriously left their hive and never came back.

The PBS wildlife-documentary series Nature premiered Sunday with Silence of the Bees. They emphasize this isn't just a local or isolated problem. It's happened in thirty-five states in the U.S. and has been documented in France, England, Spain, China and Australia as well.

While they're (hopefully) on their way to finding out the reason (possibly some sort of bee virus) and (cross your fingers!) a cure, the reality is, if they don't, the disappearance of the bees will affect three-quarters of the entire world's food crops. If that isn't environmental news to pay attention to, I don't know what is!

Yet there was more media and frenzy around bird flu (whatever happened to that?) and West Nile than I've heard about the disappearing bees--but this will have much more, far-reaching effects than those.

So where is the concern, where's the media attention? I hear it in environmental circles, but not so much in the mainstream media. In fact, I've actually heard it denied in the mainstream, downplayed and explained as a "cycle," a similar argument made about global warming as well.

Should we believe nothing is connected? That melting polar ice caps, California wildfires, and dying bees have nothing in common? Are we really so blind? How can we look around at the mounting evidence and keep denying our human part in it?

If nothing else, we need to pay attention to the message the bees are sending.

The natural balance of the world is out of whack.

Everything is connected, and even the smallest things matter.

Wouldn't it be strangely ironic if the demise of civilization came down to something as simple as the dying out of the honeybee?

It makes me wonder when the mainstream media will start paying this some real attention. When people start starving?

Maybe if we point out to them that Jessica Seinfeld's possible plagiarism is going to be proven completely irrelevent because, without bees to pollinate them, there won't be any vegetables or fruits for her or any other mother to puree and sneak into their kids' food--that is, if her husband's new Bee Movie and the message of the dying honeybees isn't finally taken to heart...

Think that might get their attention?

Perhaps we should point out to them that cartoon bees can't, in fact, pollinate flowers. We can't manufacture CGI bees to do the job, folks.

Or should we just start with this?

"Soylent Green is people!"

I Hate DVRs

I take back everything I said about DVRs. I hate them.

I'm happily watching a show, tralala, something totally uninteresting (you'd think!) to the masculine, like Dr. Phil or something, and Michael comes into the bedroom and sits down. And suddenly, he's interested. Brightest thing in the room, and he's instantly entranced.

But, of course, he has to get up and do something. Pee. Get a snack. Chop down a tree. Build a fire. Fix the garbage disposal. Whatever.

"Pause it!"

Okayyyyyyy.

Twenty minutes later, he comes back. I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs, waiting, watching Dr. Phil's face frozen like he's got a tick in one eye. I know I'm developing a tick in one eye.

He sits down. "Okay, go ahead." I juuuuuuuuust get involved again, and "Oh, wait, I forgot to get a diet Coke."

ARGH!

I hate DVRs. The word "pause" should be struck from the dictionary!

The "End" of Television

Does anyone else remember when television used to "end" for the night?

They'd play the National Anthem, wave the flag... remember?

And then the test pattern would come on for a few minutes.

And then nothing. Static. Remember?

That was the time of night the little girl in Poltergeist said, "They're here!"

And at first, it happened at midnight or so. Then around two in the morning. Then around four in the morning. It kept getting later and later... until all of sudden, we had television 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Now we've got hundreds of channels to choose from. We can turn on the TV and find something to watch whenever we want.

So how come... a majority of the time, whatever time of day it happens to be... there's still never anything good to watch on TV!?