When my friend, Deanna, admitted to me that she was watching American Idol, she swore me to complete and total secrecy. Then, that same year when our favorite, Bo Bice, didn't win first place, we both decided to get tickets to go to the American Idol concert. We had the best time, screaming like thirteen year old girls. It was a total blast.
The thing is, I was never ashamed of watching American Idol. Am I supposed to be? *shrug* It's pop culture, sure, but it's just a bit of harmless fluff. What's wrong with a little brain candy once in a while?
But now, I'm watching something that I really hate to admit. I'm not even sure why I watch it, what the appeal really is. Michael is totally appalled at my interest in the show and I have to TiVo it and watch it when he's not home. I even hide the title of the recordings, so he won't know I tape them.
I never understood Deanna's shame about watching American Idol. What was the big deal? But now I get it. I have my own shameful secret show now that I can't seem to break the habit of. Just thinking about telling people I watch it makes me break out in a cold sweat.
And of course, if I said it out loud, you'd probably laugh and say, "That show? That's it? Come on!" Shame is like that, isn't it? We feel it so much bigger than others do. Usually quite unnecessarily so. Our own demons always feel bigger than anyone else's.
So it's three in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. So what do I do? Turn the TV on and find the latest episode of my shameful secret show to watch. I feel like a kid sneaking downstairs to watch Cinemax in the middle of the night, the remote close by, ready to switch channels in case Michael wakes up.
I guess we all have our shameful secrets.
(What? You really thought I was going to tell you!? Bwahahahahaha!)