Open Letter to George Lucas

Dear George Lucas,

Since I am subjected to your movies via both husband and children avenues, and since our satellite HBO seems to play little else, I would like to point out the following in the six movie saga you've pieced together over the past twenty years which I've had the opportunity to watch a total of at least a dozen times in the past month. I'm not sure why we keep watching them, except it's like a train wreck...

I don't know what you were smoking between the first three and the last three Star Wars movies, but dude, you really need to stop. I hope someone stages an intervention or something. The series is over, right? There are no more episodes left to make? Thank god!

The added scenes in episodes 1, 2, & 3 (which, I guess, are technically 4, 5, and 6... could you make this any more confusing, I wonder?) are just stupid. Please stop trying so hard. You will never, ever make up for the Ewoks' zippers showing on their furry little suits in Empire. Never. Get over it.

Jar Jar Binks is the single worst, most annoying character ever created in the history of movies. No, that isn't just my opinion, either. I never thought you could top Yoda. And yet... you did. Wow. Are you proud?

Speaking of casting. There couldn't have been a better choice than Harrison Ford as Han Solo - or a worse choice than that obnoxious, wooden little kid who played the young Anakin. What happened between episode 3 and 4? Er, I mean - 6 and 1? Did someone hit you really hard with a bad judgment stick or something? I mean, Ewan McGregor is a great actor. But he is NOT a young Ben Kenobi. Every single casting choice in the last - uh, first - episodes just sucked - except for the Emperor. He was perfect. I bet someone else besides you picked him, didn't they? Don't lie, George!

The coolest special effect in all six movies was the light saber. You should have stopped while you were ahead. And you totally sold out with the concept of "midiclorians." Admit it. You just totally sold out.

Did you watch Jurassic Park, George? Did you listen, did you learn? When it comes to all the new CGI special effects: "You were so preoccupied with whether or not you could, you didn't stop to think if you should!"

And by the way, if you ever even THINK about writing another script for a movie, hire someone else to write your dialogue. You are to Quentin Tarantino writing dialogue as FloJo is to Louie Anderson running a sprint.

Our "free HBO" runs out this month - thank God! I will no longer be subject to the disaster that is the last - er, first - episodes of this highly overrated series. At least, unless someone digs out the DVDs. Let's see... where can I hide them? There is one thing I can thank you for, George. Thank you for marketing these as an easy-to-hide three pack!

Thank you, too, for making the first three (er... the last three... I mean... oh, hell: Star Wars, Empire & Jedi!) They were really cool at the time. Way to go. You should have definitely quit while you were ahead. I really do wish you well. I hope you live long and prosper - may the Force be with you, and all that. Just please... stay away from making any more films. Have you tried needlepoint? Something to do with your hands, to keep you busy? Please... try... something - anything - else!